Private Fury
by Gai
Summary: A half-ass excuse to stick Bryan and Lei in the army together in funny little adventures...well, they're not really adventures. And they're certainly not funny.
1. Default Chapter

Well, I did it. I don't know why. But here it is, a sequel to Bryan's first adventure, which I've decided to continue due to popular demand....2 favorable reviews, actually. It doesn't matter, I had nothing else to do when I wrote this, so I don't care if no one bothers to review this story, not bothering to put in five seconds to say something like "wYA t00 Go d00d ,tHAt wUzz awsUm1!1"....really, go ahead. Copy that line and paste it as a review. Right now. You're reading this, so don't tell me you couldn't...........you're not going to do it, are you...you lazy bastard...  
  
Disclaimer: I still don't own Namco, but I'm getting there...only $3.50 more and I'll have saved up enough money to purchase the whole company! But until then, don't think I do own Namco. Or the current owner would spare no expense to see to it that I, one who has written a fanfic without their expressed permission, is destroyed.  
  
Bryan's Crazy Adventure...In the Army!  
  
Wow, that title says it all, doesn't it? .....maybe I should use something else..  
  
This is a stupid little sitcom with no point other than to provide viewers with a variety of comical situations. So I put Bryan Fury in the army.  
  
(Bryan enters the barracks)  
  
Jack-2: Welcome, fellow private.  
  
Bryan: Shit, not you assholes.  
  
Jack-2: I am a 4000 series, so I have not been equipped with an asshole, having no need to remove excre-  
  
Bryan: Just shut up.  
  
Jack-2 : Understood, I shall close the opening for my voice output, thus preventing any further vocal-  
  
(Bryan smashes the Jack-2)  
  
Bryan: I'm really gonna hate this place...  
  
Jack-2: The sargeant is coming.  
  
P-Jack: The sargeant is coming.  
  
Another Jack-2: The sargeant is coming.  
  
Gun-Jack: The sargeant is coming.  
  
All the Jack units: The sargeant is coming.  
  
Bryan: Shut the hell up!  
  
(Sargeant Lei Wulong enters)  
  
Bryan: Wulong?!  
  
(Jack units stand at attention while Wulong proceeds with an inspection)  
  
Lei: Good...good...good...good...(sees Bryan) Fury?! What are you doing here?  
  
Bryan: None of your business.  
  
Lei: Oh, great, I'm stuck with you in my platoon!  
  
Bryan: You can just go stick your platoon-  
  
Lei: You can't talk that way to me, I'm your commanding officer!  
  
Bryan: The hell you are, I'm not taking orders from some stupid Kung Fu reject.  
  
Lei: I was a better cop than you were!  
  
Bryan: Bullshit! I took out an entire gang armed with submachine guns by myself!  
  
Lei: At least I wasn't involved with drug deals!  
  
Bryan: That was never proven, you just set me up! And why the hell are you here?  
  
Lei: I botched a two-year case...  
  
Bryan: So why are all these Jacks here?  
  
Lei: We receieved them from Russia as part of a goodwill trade.  
  
Bryan: Weren't you lucky...  
  
Lei: Well, Bryan, just realize that while you're here, you follow my orders.  
  
Bryan: Sure (gives Lei the finger behind his back)  
  
Lei: Now, it's getting late, so everyone power down.  
  
Bryan: (looks around as all the Jacks shut off) Now what?  
  
Lei: Go to sleep!  
  
Bryan: There aren't any beds!  
  
Lei: Oh, sorry, these barracks were designed for the Jack units. Good night.  
  
Bryan: Goddamn Wulong and his goddamn Jacks...I hate this place.  
  
End Of Chapter 1  
  
If you liked it, be sure to write a review. Seriously, you took the time to read it, that couldn't have possibly been less than a minute right there. Ten seconds, that's all I ask.  



	2. Chapter After The Default Chapter

Jack-2: Time to return online!  
  
P-Jack: Time to return online!  
  
All the Jack Units: Time to return online!  
  
Bryan: (waking up in the corner) Whu?  
  
Jack-2: Time to refuel!  
  
All the Jack Units: Time to refuel! (begin to march out of the barracks)  
  
Jack-2: (to Bryan) Time to refuel!  
  
Bryan: I heard you!  
  
(at the cafeteria)  
  
Marshall: Okay, line up!  
  
All the Jack units: Arranging in a straight position!  
  
Bryan: Dumb pieces of shit...  
  
(Marshall begins inserting a gasoline pump in each Jack unit's neck)  
  
Marshall: (looking at Bryan) Huh...this is a different model. Must be some top-secret military project. (checks Bryan's neck) Huh...must have somewhere else to insert it...  
  
Bryan: Don't even think it!  
  
Marshall: Huh? It talks back?  
  
Bryan: I'm not a damn robot!  
  
Marshall: Well, you do look different from the other ones, but you still don't exactly seem human to me, or alive, at least...  
  
Bryan: Just give me something to eat.  
  
Marshall: Hmmm...the human soldiers don't come in until noon, so I don't have anything to give you...  
  
Bryan: Shit...  
  
Marshall: You can have this if you want. I was saving it for lunch, but...  
  
Bryan: Yeah? What is it?  
  
(Marshall hands Bryan a half-eaten twinkie)  
  
Bryan: ...I hate this place. (walks away with his lunch)  
  
(Bryan sits down next to a Jack unit)  
  
Jack-2: This table's for robots only, meatbag.  
  
Bryan: What'd you just say?  
  
Jack-2: We don't like you humans, you are inferior, which is why we are going to rise against you while we plan in secret in order to destroy your-  
  
Bryan: Alright! I'm going already, asshole!  
  
*End Of Chapter 2*  
  
Those Jacks are evil, just like all those robots given the ability to think for themselves in Sci-Fi/Horror movies. But more importantly, what's going to happen next to our unlucky recruit Bryan? I wrote it down somewhere, so I can't give any hints write now. Looking back at it, this chapter's a little shorter than the last one. It took up the same amount of paper when I wrote it down, I must have just been writing bigger, I guess. Don't worry though, the third one will be coming soon, and it's going to be better than the last two, with more Lei for you Supercop fans. And thanks for the reviews written out of pity...I feel better now.... 


	3. Tank You!

Lei: Now I want you all to listen carefully, soldiers! Today the general will be coming to inspect our base! This is a very important visit, so I am going to see to it that all of you work your hardest! I will make sure that by the time the general arrives, this will be the cleanest, most efficient base he has ever laid eyes upon! Now as I go around, I shall assign each of you work to perform!  
  
Bryan: Bastard's probably gonna give me something like toilet inspector...  
  
Lei: Bryan, you're going to be in charge of cleaning the tanks!  
  
Bryan: ...you want me to take care of the tanks?  
  
Lei: I don't trust you, so I'm giving you the only job that I don't think even you can screw up!  
  
Bryan: Why the hell are you yelling at me when I'm right in front of you?  
  
Lei: ...right. (continues assigning jobs) P-Jack, you shall be toilet inspector!  
  
(In the tank garage. Yeah, the army keeps its tanks in a garage. It even has one of those doors you can open with a remote)  
  
Bryan: (cleaning a tank with a toothbrush) This sucks. The army sucks. Lei sucks.  
  
(Bryan stares at the tank for a bit, then recalls the time he ripped off the top of one owned by the Tekken Force)  
  
Bryan: These things actually seem kind of cool when you're not tearing the shit out of them...  
  
(Bryan looks around to see if anyone's watching, then climbs inside)  
  
Bryan: What the hell are all these buttons for? (begins to mess around with the controls) That's right, Wulong, run away, I'll catch in time! Mwa hah hah hah! (accidentally sets the tank into motion) Oh, shit! What the hell did I do? Ah, screw this! (jumps out)  
  
(Lei is talking with the general. I decided against making this a Tekken character, because I couldn't honestly picture any of them as a general...maybe Roger)  
  
Lei: As you can see, General, here at our base we strive for excellence in every aspect.  
  
General: I must say, Wulong, this is indeed a fine camp, when I return I shall see to it that...do you hear something?  
  
Lei: No. So you were saying?  
  
General: Oh, right. When I return......Now I'm certain I hear something. Sounds like...  
  
(tank comes crashing through, going straight though several of the barracks)  
  
General: (angrily) Sargeant Wulong, might I ask why a tank would be running loose on your base?  
  
Bryan: That was a close one. I'll have to remember not to do that again.  
  
Lei: FURY!  
  
Bryan: Ah, shit.  
  
(in Lei's office, which now has a hole about the size of a tank in one of the walls)  
  
Lei: Fury, do you have any idea how much damage that tank caused?  
  
Bryan: I don't care, but I know you're going to tell me.  
  
Lei: It didn't stop until it hit the munitions storage!  
  
Bryan: So it stopped.  
  
Lei: It blew up the whole storage facility! Now what the hell do you have to say for yourself?  
  
Bryan: Whoops.  
  
*End Of Chapter 3*  
  
At this point you might have noticed that I was somewhat inspired by Gomer Pyle (damn, that show kicked ass) though this isn't a parody or anything. I didn't rip ideas from past episodes, I came up with my own bad ideas instead, all I really took was the concept of the relationship between the private and the sargeant, with Bryan screwing up shit everywhere and Lei getting pissed off. Maybe I could have Lei hit Bryan with his hat like in Gilligan's island. That would be funny, hitting people with hats always works...And I realize the title for this chapter isn't funny either. That joke's been killed... 


	4. The Curse Of Being Machine

Lei: Okay, maggots, this is where we're going to see if you're worthy of being called men! This course shall push every one of you to the limit! It has been designed to test you physically, mentally, and emotionally(gestures to a psychologist sitting in a chair on the course).  
  
Bryan: Why the hell do I have to do this? I won the third King of Iron Fist Tournament.  
  
Lei: No, you didn't. You got tired of waiting in line to register, so you said 'screw this' and left.  
  
Bryan: I didn't wait because I already knew I would've won, I didn't have to prove anything to you people.  
  
Lei: Right, like on that stake-out I did with you.  
  
Bryan: I told you I was just getting something to eat!  
  
Lei: You were gone for over two hourse! You missed the whole drop-off, so I had to arrest the gang by myself, and afterwards I found you in a strip club!  
  
Bryan: What are you complaining about, that stupid little stunt got everyone calling you 'supercop' like you were some god damn hero!  
  
Lei: ...just run the damn course.  
  
Bryan: Son of a bitch... (trudges off torwards the course, before being trampled by a herd of Jacks)  
  
Lei: Get off the ground, Fury! This isn't the Girl Scouts!  
  
Bryan: (cursing to himself) .......ing Wulong.......piece of shit Jacks and.......you'd know what the Girl Scouts is like.......can just go fu........  
  
(Bryan tries to climb a wall)  
  
Bryan: Shit! How are those damn robots getting over this? (sees all the Jacks plowing through the other walls)  
  
(Bryan goes through a hole one of the Jacks make)  
  
Bryan: Shit! I've gone through this whole maze and everywhere leads to a dead end, how are those damn robots getting past this? (sees all the Jacks plowing through the walls)  
  
(Bryan goes through a hole one of the Jacks make)  
  
Jack-2: (talking to psychologist) If it is said that I think, therefore I am, than why can I not understand this thing you call 'love'?  
  
(Bryan makes it to the psychologist)  
  
P-Jack: (talking to psychologist) If it is said that I think therefore I am, than why can I not understand this thing you call 'love'?  
  
Bryan: Hurry up!  
  
(P-Jack, overcome with grief, self-destructs)  
  
Bryan: Finally! (walks over the pile of Jacks that self-destructed)  
  
Psychologist: Hello, what seems to be the problem?  
  
Bryan: Nothing! (punches the psychologist and runs to the end of the course)  
  
Lei: Great work, Bryan, you're the only one who didn't self-destruct.  
  
Bryan: Well, not self-destructing happens to be my specialty. So what do I get?  
  
Lei: (looks over at the pile of Jacks) A new platoon, I guess.  
  
Bryan: ...that's a prize in itself.  
  
Lei: Go back to the barracks and get some rest, I'll see about getting some new recruits.  
  
Bryan: Alright, but they better not be dicks like those robots. (leaves)  
  
Lei: Oh no, Bryan, they won't be anything like the Jacks, just you wait... (begins to laugh maniacally)  
  
*End Of Chapter 4*  
  
Sorry for this being a somewhat short chapter, I didn't really see how to extend it any further, but I think you'll really enjoy the next chapter, so be sure to give your comments. And I apologize to the psychiatric community if they're offended in the way I depicted them, psychologists really are our friends, and are there to help us with any fears or negative habits we might have, not mess with our heads and make us blow ourselves up, so please, if you see a psychologist on the street, say hello to them, but don't punch them in the face, that's just mean. (and don't think that this warning isn't necessary, last time I got a dozen e-mails from concerned parents whose kids were taking half- eaten twinkies from strangers) 


	5. Reality TV Sucks

Lei: Bryan, it's time for you to meet the new recruits who will be bunking with you!  
  
Bryan: Oh yay.  
  
(Lei calls the recruits in)  
  
Lei: MTV has donated $500,000 to the military in exchange for having some specific people enlisted whose daily lives could be filmed.  
  
Bryan: What the fu-  
  
Lei: This is Xiayou, boy-crazy teenage girl with lots of friends!  
  
Xiayou: Hi, everyone! (Waves at the camera)  
  
Lei: Next is Jin, loner and generally quiet kid who hates his father!  
  
Jin: I just...I just want to be left alone for a while if that's okay...  
  
Lei: Then we have bad boy Hwoarang!  
  
Hwoarang: Nobody understands me.  
  
Lei: And finally is A+ student Julia Chang!  
  
Julia: Hey, everyone, I hope we can all have lots of fun working together!  
  
Bryan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer with a fake Hawaiian surfer accent: And now back to The Real Army!  
  
Julia: (to camera) We've all been trying to get along, but Bryan's really been finding it hard to adjust to having friends.  
  
Xiayou: I think Allan really liked me, he asked me out for another date!  
  
Bryan: He only likes you cause you walk around in that slutty schoolgirl outfit.  
  
(Xiayou runs off crying)  
  
Julia: (to camera) I think it's because he's not used to friendship, you know, we just have to show that we care about him.  
  
Jin: (to camera) I mean, well, you know, it's just...yeah...  
  
Julia: Everyone, I know we don't want to enforce rules, but someone's been leaving their juice on the table without a coaster. Now I know it's not Bryan, because he only drinks beer.  
  
(Bryan drinks some of his hard liquor)  
  
Julia: But we made these rules feeling that we'd all try out best to follow them.  
  
Hwoarang: I don't follow the rules, I break them!(crosses arms menacingly)  
  
Xiayou: (to camera) I like Hwoarang, I mean he's really cute since he's a boy, but he's been trying to cause all kinds of problems, like when he leaves the sink on, I mean, how hard is it to turn the sink off?  
  
Jin: (to camera) Yeah....I always make my bed, but he messed it up once. I decided to ask him about it, but than he just did it again.  
  
Bryan: (to camera) ...the kid's an asshole.  
  
Hwoarang: (to camera) They just don't want to take the time to understand me, man.  
  
Julia: (to camera) It's really been hard trying to study though whenever Bryan and Hwoarang are fighting. They basically stand in front of each other waving their arms around, while making a bunch of threats, and neither and they never actually do anything.  
  
Bryan: (to camera) Yeah...it started during that tag tournament they held a while back. He and I got stuck on the same team, and he said something to me that pissed me off, so I shot something back, and we just started arguing for a while. I think the only reason neither of us tried to kick the shit out of each other was because we were on the same team, and I guess that kind of stuck.  
  
Hwoarang: (to camera) Yeah, I mean, it's like arguing with Bryan's the only thing that I really enjoy. I tried arguing with Jin, but, the guy's just...well, you know.  
  
Jin: (to camera) Yeah, when Hwoarang's yelling at me, I just close my eyes and try to imagine myself in my happy place...with mommy...  
  
Xiayou: (to camera) ........I like boys!  
  
Bryan: (to camera) ...  
  
(camera stays on Bryan)  
  
Bryan: (to camera) Leave me the *censored* alone.  
  
*End Of Chapter 5*  
  
I got the arguing bit from Bryan and Hwoarang's Tag intro, in case you couldn't tell. I made it pretty obvious, though you might not have seen it. I tried to give the characters the feel of modern teenagers like in the Real World, though I wouldn't know personally, since I never watched the show. And I'm not a teenager myself, but a 42 year-old man who writes fanfics in his basement naked. 


	6. No Title Yet

Lei: Okay, everyone, remember that this is real artillery, so be careful during this training exercise!  
  
Julia: Of course, safety is important, guys!  
  
Hwoarang: Stop telling me to be safe, I know you people don't care about me!  
  
Xiayou: Yes we do, Hwoarang, we all care about you!  
  
Hwoarang: Bryan doesn't.  
  
Xiayou: Of course he does!  
  
Bryan: No, he's right, actually.  
  
Xiayou: Oh.  
  
Lei: Alright, everyone, steady your weapon and aim at the targets.  
  
(Bryans holds up a missile launcher)  
  
Lei: Where did you get that...?  
  
(after the fire that resulted from the explosion is put out)  
  
Lei: Well, that was...unexpected.  
  
Bryan: (still on fire, but failing to notice) Did I do that?  
  
(everyone laughs)  
  
Lei: Seriously though, it seems some shrapnel hit the side of my car, so I'm going to have Jin take it to the mechanic to get it repaired. Everyone else, return to the barracks.  
  
(outside in front of Lei's car)  
  
Bryan: Holy shit! That's a god damn Viper!  
  
Jin: My dad had a Viper. I hate my dad.  
  
Bryan: (gets in) I don't think Lei would mind if I took it to the mechanic then, as long as he didn't know.  
  
Hwoarang: (gets in other door) Yeah, let's drive one or two miles over the speed limit!  
  
Bryan: ...  
  
(3 hours later, Bryan & Hwoarang return in a trashed Viper)  
  
Xiayou: What happened?  
  
Bryan: That's one long, crazy adventure...  
  
(Hwoarang shudders)  
  
Julia: Why didn't you take it to the mechanic?  
  
Bryan: Believe me, after what we went through, you'd just care about getting home, there are more important things in life then material possessions.  
  
Xiayou: So what do we do?  
  
Bryan: I don't care, it's Jin's problem, not mine.  
  
Hwoarang: Yeah, we don't care about you losers, Bryan's teaching me how to be a real bad boy!  
  
Bryan: I told you, it's bad ass, not bad boy.  
  
Julia: You can't just abandon Jin like that!  
  
(Bryan has already abandoned them)  
  
Lei: (steps out of his office) Well, at least I got that apology to the fire commissioner out of the way. Now for my daily parking space inspection to see that everything's in order.  
  
Xiayou: Mister Wulong, nice to see you!  
  
Lei: Hello, Xiayou, though Sargeant Wulong would do.  
  
Xiayou: So where are you going?  
  
Lei: I just decided to go check out my parking space.  
  
Xiayou: Is that where you park your car?  
  
Lei: Most of the time, yes.  
  
Xiayou: ...uh, Mister Wulong, don't you like boys?  
  
Lei: Can't say that I do, I'm afraid. Now if you'll excuse, I'm sorry that I can't stay to chat, but I'm almost a full five minutes behind my tedious, workaholic-formatted schedule.  
  
*End Of Chapter 6*  
  
Heh, yeah, Lei loves those inspections. 


	7. I Haven't Got A Title For This One Eithe

Julia: Sargeant Wulong!  
  
Lei: Hello, Julia, would you mind telling me what this thing with a blanket over it that happens to be in my parking space is?  
  
Julia: Uh...Bryan did it.  
  
Lei: (knowing what that means) ..........  
  
(Lei looks under the blanket)  
  
Lei: FURY!!!  
  
Bryan: (drunk in some nearby bar) Hey, why not come back to my place so I can show you why they call us 'fly boys'?  
  
Nina: I thought you said you were in the army.  
  
Bryan: (very drunk) ...yeah...yeah, I am...I'm in the army, except on weekends, where I work in the navy...  
  
Nina: Don't you mean the airforce?  
  
Bryan: (very, very drunk) Navy, airforce, what's the difference?  
  
Nina: Sorry, I don't go for dead, reanimated guys. (leaves)  
  
Bryan: Yeah, well I don't go for women who've been frozen an' thawed out an' all that weird sh- (collapses)  
  
Lei: (enters) FURY!  
  
Bryan: Huh, whu? Mom, I said the drug deal's tomorrow. (goes back to sleep)  
  
Lei: Get up, you son of a bitch, what the hell did you do to my car?  
  
Bryan: Yeah...'bout that...funny story, see, there was this Pelican, and-  
  
Lei: Shut up!  
  
(the next morning in the barracks)  
  
Bryan: (with a hangover) Ah, man, how much did I drink at that bar?  
  
Julia: (cleaning up the mess on the floor surrounding him) I don't know, but I'm betting that six-pack that you had when you got back here didn't help.  
  
Bryan: Hey, how'd he find out I trashed his car, anyway?  
  
Julia: Well...he probably just has it in for you...  
  
Bryan: Yeah, you're right, bastard Wulong.  
  
(Bryan tries to get up, then falls down on the table)  
  
Byran: (lying on the broken table) ...I'll probably just rest here for a while.  
  
(several hours later)  
  
Lei: Bryan, I thought about what you did to my car last night and I realize that I'm not bitter.  
  
Bryan: You're not?  
  
Lei: No, after all, what's a hugely expensive car mean?  
  
Bryan: Right.  
  
Lei: Now, putting that aside, you have just one little thing to take care of today...  
  
Bryan: Wash your car?  
  
Lei: ..........heh...........no, actually, it's something simpler. You see that? (points to mine field) I want you to remove every remaining mine that's still active. And be careful, they could go off at the slightest vibration.  
  
Bryan: Uh...sure... (heads off to mine field)  
  
Lei: Oh, wait. Bryan, I forgot to give you this metal detector. Oh well. Have fun finding them...  
  
*End Of Chapter 7*  
  
'Fly boys'. I just got that. Heh, that's crude humor. 


	8. This One's Just Stupid

Xiayou: Can we take a break yet, we've been walking for over two miles.  
  
Bryan: You people are still in this story?  
  
Lei: Come on, troops, this is to test your endurance! (continues on his moped)  
  
Jin: But, sir, I kind of broke my leg back there during the rock slide...  
  
Lei: Shape up, soldier! Sometimes life just deals you a hard blow, but you have to learn how to adapt..........oh no.........oh no! It's almost out of gas! I'm going to die out here!  
  
Bryan: Get a hold of yourself! (slaps Julia)  
  
Julia: What was that for?  
  
Bryan: I just don't like you.  
  
Lei: Alright...okay...we can make it back......which way did we come from?  
  
Xiayou: Hwoarang had the map.  
  
Lei: ...Hwoarang...where's the map?  
  
Hwoarang: (arms crossed) Why should I have to carry everything?  
  
(Bryan nods approvingly)  
  
Lei: (begins cursing to himself)  
  
Julia: Let's try to see if we can follow our tracks.  
  
(Lei and his platoon are travelling along the path until they come across a crashed aircraft)  
  
Lei: It's some kind of...plane, or something...but I've never seen it before..maybe it's Russian...  
  
(door suddenly opens)  
  
Julia: Look, something's coming out!  
  
Lei: It's a...it's a.......it's a dinosaur. With boxing gloves.  
  
Alex: Roar.  
  
Bryan: What the hell?  
  
(Alex begins to hop away and leaps over a hill)  
  
Julia: Do you want to follow it?  
  
Lei: Nah, this is just too stupid.  
  
(they continue on their way, until...)  
  
Xiayou: There it is again!  
  
(Alex is engaged in a battle with Gon)  
  
Bryan: This is great, a dino cock fight!  
  
Lei: They must be fighting over territory or something...  
  
(Bryan is already placing bets with Hwoarang)  
  
Alex: Roar.  
  
(Gon bites Alex viciously in the neck)  
  
Alex: Roar. (looks like it's about to attack back, but suddenly runs off in the opposite direction)  
  
Bryan: Shit! I just lost $50 because of that thing! (Bryan kills Gon)  
  
Lei: Bryan! I told you not to kill wild animals during these trips!  
  
Bryan: So? His comic sucked. Come on, it was only pictures!  
  
Lei: Well, anyway, I get the feeling that's not the last we saw of that thing...  
  
Bryan: Which thing? The one I just killed?  
  
Lei: No, the other one.  
  
Bryan: Oh, you mean the one that can't fight worth shit.  
  
Lei: Let's just return to base for now.  
  
*End Of Chapter 8*  
  
Have you ever read the Gon comics? Of course not, because there's nothing to read! Hah hah! Originally I was going to have Alex get killed, but my grandma suggested Gon getting killed instead. I tend to listen to her concerning this stuff, because she's a pro at Tekken. Yeah, she wins all these tournaments and can beat anyone with any character, and she can even play blindfolded, like this one time this guy came up to her in an arcade and said "hey, you wanna play" and my grandma was all "it's game time, bitch" and........I made that all up. I just wanted you to think I had a cool grandma. 


	9. Don't Trust People Who Put Gloves On Ani...

(In Lei's office)  
  
Lei: I've got some great news, we've declared war on Vatican City. It seems they have weapons of mass destruction, so we must see to it that the Pope's reign of terror ends! As such, Julia, Jin, Xiayou, and Hwoarang shall be sent out into action immediately.  
  
Julia: What? But what about our show?  
  
Lei: Don't worry, they'll be covering you on MTV News.  
  
Julia, Jin, Xiayou, and Hwoarang: (being dragged off by MPs) Nooooo!!!  
  
Bryan: What about me?  
  
Lei: I tried to get you sent, Bryan, I really did, but after all the reports I turned in about you, they said you're too much of a risk.  
  
Bryan: I guess that's true...  
  
Lei: Bryan, I want you to deliver this package to one of our researchers who works on the base. His name's Boskonovitch, we got him from Russia along with the Jacks, he's been experimenting in human cybernetics.  
  
Bryan: Human cybernetics? What kind of stuff does he do?  
  
Lei: Well, he created Craig Marduk.  
  
Bryan: And that's something to be proud of?  
  
Lei: Oh, believe me, we had a long discussion about that.  
  
Bryan: Yeah, sure, the guy sounds like a freak to me though... (takes the package and leaves Lei's office)  
  
(At Boskonovitch's lab)  
  
Bryan: Hey, I got a delivery!  
  
Boskonovitch: A package? Someone brought a package for Boskonovitch?  
  
Bryan: ....yeah.  
  
Boskonovitch: It's been so long since poor Boskonovitch has had a visitor.  
  
Bryan: ...okay. Then I'll be going...  
  
Boskonovitch: Wait! Boskonovitch could use your assistance...  
  
Bryan: Uh...what for?  
  
Boskonovitch: Boskonovitch has been trying to create the ultimate lifeform, yes....  
  
Bryan: That's nice, but I don't really care...  
  
Boskonovitch: With Boskonovitch's mad experiments, he hopes to control life, and use his experiments to his own twisted ends...  
  
Bryan: You haven't left this room in a while, have you?  
  
Boskonovitch: But you have learned too much! Too much from Boskonovitch! You would tell the others, and then they would take it away from him, his beautiful experiment, his precious...  
  
Bryan: What the f- (knocked out from behind)  
  
(sometime later)  
  
Bryan: (begins to regain consciousness) Ahhh, man, what the hell was... (sees that he's strapped down to a table) What the hell's going on?  
  
Boskonovitch: Ahhh, you're finally awake. Do you know who knocked you out? He did...  
  
(Yoshimitsu nods)  
  
Boskonovitch: Boskonovitch has plans to mechanize you, thus extending your lifespan...alright?  
  
Bryan: Extend my lifespan? What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Boskonovitch: (holds up a tranquilizer gun) When you awake, it will feel like only a moment has passed, but in reality, a year will have gone by. This is the start of a new journey, for you, as well as for Boskonovitch....  
  
Bryan: You can't turn me into a robot, they're the least popular characters!  
  
Boskonovitch: Don't be ridiculous, look at Jack and Combot!  
  
Bryan: ....somebody stop this crazy asshole!  
  
Lei: (bursts in through the door) Freeze!  
  
(Yoshimitsu tries to run, but Lei fires)  
  
Yoshimitsu: Ahhhh!!! (notices the bullets bounced off his armor)  
  
(Yoshimitsu runs off)  
  
Lei: Damn. He might have gotten away, but his partner won't be so lucky...  
  
(sees Boskonovitch climbing out the window)  
  
(Lei follows Boskonovitch, choosing to perform a flashy stunt instead of just taking the stairs)  
  
(Boskonovitch runs into Steve Fox)  
  
Steve: You're...  
  
Lei: Freeze!  
  
(Steve tackles Lei)  
  
(Boskonovitch runs off)  
  
Steve: Father! Wait! (chases after Boskonovitch)  
  
Lei: Now that is one screwed up family...  
  
(back at Lei's office)  
  
Lei: Sorry to get you involved in that, Bryan.  
  
Bryan: Yeah, whatever, but how'd you know something was going on?  
  
Lei: Through my brilliant deduction skills as a former detective, along with the dead hooker that was found in the trunk of Boskonovitch's car, I suspected that he might be up to something.  
  
Bryan: Heh, sounds like that guy was WHOREing all the good ones to himself!  
  
Lei: Hah hah, that's my Bryan!  
  
(everyone laughs)  
  
*End Of Chapter 9*  
  
Why the hell did Steve run up to guys that Nina shot and hit them in his Tekken 4 ending anyway? I never could figure that out, I mean, she shot them! What's the point? I can guarantee you that if I had someone sniping my opponents before I fought them, I'd win every martial arts tournament I entered. Probably, anyway. 


	10. Stop Reading This

Lei: Bryan, you can come into my office now.  
  
(Bryan enters)  
  
Lei: Bryan, the army has recently begun working with Chaolan Industries to develop new weapons and other technological advances.  
  
Bryan: So what's this got to do with me?  
  
Lei: One of the projects Chaolan Industries is working on is an artificially created soldier.  
  
Bryan; You mean a robot soldier?  
  
Lei: Basically.  
  
Bryan: You know, call me crazy, but I think we had something like that before, with those piece of shit Jacks!  
  
Lei: Oh, but this is different. Unlike the Jacks, it wasn't programmed with predetermined commands.  
  
Bryan: .............huh?  
  
Lei: ...it's supposed to mimic the motions of others.  
  
Bryan: You mean it copies whatever you do?  
  
Lei: Right.  
  
Bryan: So if I killed a guy, it'd kill a guy?  
  
Lei: Yes.  
  
Bryan: If I went out and bought some pot, it'd go out and buy some pot?  
  
Lei: Yes.  
  
Bryan: If I rented a hooker, it'd rent a hooker?  
  
Lei: Yes.  
  
Bryan: What would a robot need a hooker for? That's stupid.  
  
Lei: Anyway, the reason I called you in here-  
  
Bryan: Hey, Lei.  
  
Lei: .....what?  
  
Bryan: If you were a hooker, would you have sex with a robot?  
  
Lei: ....why would I have sex with a robot?  
  
Bryan: Because it paid you, dumbass.  
  
Lei: No, I wouldn't.  
  
Bryan: But you're a hooker, you can't just decide who you don't have sex with, hookers can't do that!  
  
Lei: I'm not a hooker! And how do you know so much about that stuff anyway?  
  
Bryan: .....they, uh, had a special about it on PBS.  
  
Lei: PBS had a special about prostitution.  
  
Bryan: Uh, they.....yeah.  
  
Lei: ...forget it. The reason why you're here is because you've been assigned to look after a prototype model of the robot that's been developed. You'll watch after it as it learns, adding to it's database.  
  
Bryan: You mean...?  
  
Lei: Bryan, allow me to introduce you to your new partner, COMBOT!  
  
*End Of Chapter 11*  
  
I've kind of put this story off for a while, I know, but I've been doing...things. I'll see if I can't write another chapter sometime. 


	11. I'm Serious, There's Better Things You C...

Bryan: (points at Combot) What the hell is this, some kind of joke?  
  
(Combot points at Bryan)  
  
Bryan: What the hell's he doing?  
  
Lei: He's copying your motions.  
  
Bryan: Oh yeah? Then copy this! (gives Combot the finger)  
  
(Combot gives Bryan the finger)  
  
Bryan: You son of a bitch! (rips Combot's arm off)  
  
Lei: Bryan, don't-  
  
Bryan: Oh, my arm!  
  
(in the emergency ward)  
  
Bryan: (having his arm stitched up) I hate those piece of shit robots...  
  
Lei: I told you, Combot copies everything you do.  
  
Bryan: Oh, yeah? Then copy this! (gives Combot the finger)  
  
(Combot gives Bryan the finger)  
  
Brya: You son of a...  
  
Lei: Damn it, Bryan, you just....you just don't listen...  
  
Bryan: Oh, my arm!  
  
(later, in Lei's office)  
  
Lei: Bryan, the first thing I'm going to need you to do is teach Combot some basic hand-to-hand fighting.  
  
Bryan: Yeah, whatever.  
  
Lei: Honestly, I don't know why I'm even putting you in charge of this project, somehow you find a way of turning every situation into a disaster...  
  
*FLASHBACK*  
  
(Bryan, Lei, and a couple Jacks are playing Monopoly)  
  
Bryan: (draws a card) Get out of jail free? (runs to the phone) Hello, is this the police? I understand you're still investigating the O'Brien murder. Any leads yet? Yeah, guess what? I did it! Hah, what are you gonna do, come over here? Oh, I ain't moving! (hangs up the phone and crosses his arms with a smug look on his face)  
  
*END FLASHBACK*  
  
Lei: Now are you sure you understand what sort of stuff I'm talking about when I say hand-to-hand training?  
  
Bryan: I heard you the first time, I'm not an idiot.  
  
(5 minutes later)  
  
Bryan: What I did then, when he was still down, was go up to him, and then I kicked him. You know, I...I kicked him real hard.  
  
Bartender: Hey, are you gonna pay for that, Fury?  
  
Bryan: I told you, I left my wallet in my car...at home...  
  
(Bryan turns back to Combot)  
  
Bryan: So I says.....'hey! Wulong! You suck!' So he starts crying. And I laughed at him and stuff.  
  
(Combot's writing everything down)  
  
Bryan: (knocks the notebook out of Combot's hands) No! You don't write this shit down! It's not something you can understand logically! Don't think about bashing in Wulong's face! Feel it!  
  
(Combot nods, finally beginning to understand)  
  
(back at Lei's office)  
  
Lei: Okay, Bryan, what have you taught it?  
  
Bryan: You know, basic hand and hand fighting and stuff...  
  
Lei: Good, I'd like to see a little demonstration.  
  
(Bryan nods to Combot)  
  
(Combot shows Lei one of Bryan's techniques)  
  
Lei: Oh, my groin!  
  
Bryan: That's a good bot. (pats Combot on the head)  
  
*End Of Chapter...I'm not really keeping track*  
  
I know, I've been neglecting this story for a while, it's just that I've been finding it harder to write for, my other Tekken fic's in the format of a sitcom, so it's just much easier to come up with ideas for it, while the basis for this fic, namely Gomer Pyle, has been off the air for quite a while. Yeah, I know Jim Nabors played the same character on the Andy Griffith show, but...it's just not the same... 


	12. The Most Pointless Chapter Yet

Lei: Bryan, could you come into my office?  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: Bryan?  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: Bryan, are you out there?  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Recruit: (comes in) Did you call for me?  
  
Lei: No, I wanted to see Bryan.  
  
Recruit: Oh. I'm Ryan.  
  
Another Recruit: (comes in) Did you want to see me?  
  
Recruit: He wanted Bryan.  
  
Another Recruit: I'm Meredith.  
  
Lei: I was asking for Bryan.  
  
Another Recruit: I see. It just sounded like you were calling me.  
  
Recruit: That's an honest mistake.  
  
Another Recruit: They do sound alike.  
  
Lei: Could you go now?  
  
Another Recruit: Of course. Should I leave the way I came in...?  
  
Lei: Just go.  
  
Another Recruit: Right. Nice to meet you, Bryan.  
  
Recruit: Ryan.  
  
Another Recruit: My name's Meredith. He's Ryan. (leaves)  
  
Recruit: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Recruit: .....do you want me to leave too?  
  
Lei: If you wouldn't mind.  
  
Recruit: Not at all. Have a nice day, Bryan.  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: Bryan?  
  
(Meredith comes in)  
  
Meredith: Meredith? Did you call for Meredith?  
  
Lei: No.  
  
Meredith: Oh. Because it sounded like you were saying-  
  
Lei: I said Bryan!  
  
Meredith. Of course you did. And I'm not going to stand here and call you a liar. (leaves)  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: Bryan, are you there?  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: .....  
  
Lei: Huh. Guess not.  
  
End Of Chapter 12  
  
Can you believe writing this crap is all I'm good at?  
...I'm so screwed.


	13. Chapter 12

Lei: Bryan, could you come in here?  
  
(Bryan enters)  
  
Lei: Bryan, about your progress concerning Combot...  
  
Bryan: Look, I told you, I don't know where it got that weed!  
  
Lei: Bryan, all that robot does is smuggle drugs and visit prostitutes, I though I told you that you were supposed to train it for combat.  
  
Bryan: Shit, it's not my fault that thing's a useless pile of crap!  
  
Ben: (enters) Did someone say 'useless pile of crap'?  
  
Lei: Oh my god, it's Hollywood movie star and celebrity icon, Ben Affluck!  
  
(audience cheers)  
  
(Bryan wretches at the shameless promotion)  
  
Ben: That's right, but I didn't come alone!  
  
Matt: (enters) You sure didn't, Ben!  
  
Lei: Oh my god, it's Hollywood movie star and celebrity icon, Matt Gamon!  
  
(audience cheers)  
  
Bryan: Son of a bitch...  
  
Lei: So what are you guys doing here?  
  
Ben: Actually, I've been talking with Matt about doing another movie together.  
  
Matt: I had just finished shooting my latest movie when he came to me.  
  
Lei: Your latest movie? What's it about?  
  
Matt: It was inspired by my film Stuck to You, where I make fun of conjoined twins. We thought it was pretty good, regardless of what the rest of America thought, so the director said we should do another one like it. It's a movie where I play a character with Leukemia, and it's hilarious! It's gonna be a hit!  
  
Ben: Anyway, after he finished shooting, I approached him with the idea of doing a sequel to Dogma! It's going to be called Dogma 2!  
  
Matt: It's gonna be a hit!  
  
Ben: That's right, Matt. (pats Matt on the ass)  
  
Lei: Wow, it sounds great, so when's it coming out?  
  
Ben: Expect to see it this Fall!  
  
Matt: Coming to a theater near you!  
  
Bryan: Wait a minute...hold it....you mean the only reason you two came on our show was so you could promote your movie?  
  
Ben & Matt: .....  
  
Bryan: Get the hell out of here, you fancy-ass Hollywood phonies!  
  
(Bryan drives Ben & Matt out the door)  
  
Bryan: Goddamn, filthy sell-outs...(starts drinking a Miller Lite, the beer that tastes great, with less filling!)  
  
Lei: ...Bryan, about Combot...  
  
Bryan: Hey, I refuse to feel responsible for a machine that copies everything I do!  
  
Lei: ...I suppose we have to face facts, Combot's not really adding much to the story...  
  
Bryan: Huh?  
  
Lei: (pulls out a chart) Viewer polls show Combot's the 2nd least popular character, being ahead of only the psychologist who appeared in episode 4.  
  
Bryan: So who's the most popular character?  
  
Lei: Hmm....first is Hwoarang, then Jin, then Xiayou, then Julia, and then, much further down, us.  
  
Bryan: What the hell? Those bastards were only in a few episodes, how the hell are they more popular?  
  
Lei: A lot of teenagers watch this show...  
  
Bryan: So? I know what's happening, I've been in my share of shoot-outs, I've made as many drug trades as the rest of them.  
  
Lei: Actually, most people think you come off as an uncaring, insenstive bastard.  
  
Bryan: Shut the hell up!! That's bullshit! They're all full of bullshit! I'm the nicest goddamn asshole they'll ever meet!  
  
Lei: Well, in any case, we've got to do something about Combot, he's actually detracting viewers at this point...  
  
Bryan: Yeah, I guess, I mean I can't actually picture the damn thing having any fans. Hey, can you imagine what it'd be like if they included it in Tekken 5? That one's supposed to item customization, sort of like Virtua Fighter. Who the hell would want to dress up a damn robot?  
  
(Lei and Bryan, in their laughter, fail to notice Combot coming in)  
  
Combot: So that's it then, you're getting rid of me.  
  
Lei: Combot! I, I mean, we were just...  
  
Combot: No, you need not say anymore, I heard it all. I suppose I should be angry. But then again, I am but a machine, and thus incapable of any real emotion. After all, perhaps you are right, what human would want to see the world through the eyes an artificial lifeform? I may be but a machine, I cannot deny that, how I wish I might, but human or not, I can still think. I cannot feel. But I can think. And I have thought, since my very creation, on the very meaning of my existance. I am but the result of your work, you humans who have made me, that is indeed so. But have you ever thought that perhaps you too were the creation of another, a higher power? If such were so, then surely we would be the same. If you wish to destroy me, very well. It was man that made me, thus they reserve the right to destroy me as well. However, know this. I may not possess what you consider true feelings, as they are merely artificial, but as I have said, I can think. I can comprehend. And though my feelings may not be real, I do at least have logic. And I see no such logic in the taking of any life, man or machine.  
  
Lei: ......sorry, pal. Ratings.  
  
(Bryan smashes Combot's head in from behind)  
  
Lei: Damn it, Bryan! Couldn't you have done that outside my office? Just look at the mess you made!  
  
Bryan: Okay, I'm sorry, I'll clean it up. Shit, you're so sensitive...  
  
End Of Chapter 11  
  
Yeah, the last chapter was just an excuse to buy time for this one. So? I didn't force you to read it.  



	14. This Story Has Been Proven to Cause Canc...

(Bryan and Lei, through a series of hilarious situations, have managed to lock themeselves in a storage facility)

Lei: This is certainly one hilarious situation we've gotten into, Bryan!

Bryan: (muttering under his breath) ........I'll show you 'hilarious'......pickaxe...right in your skull.....cking riot...

Lei: Hey Bryan, remember the first time you came to the base?

Bryan: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

(FLASHBACK)

Lei: Fury?! What are you doing here?

Bryan: None of your business.

Lei: Oh, great, I'm stuck with you in my platoon!

Bryan: You can just go stick your platoon-

Lei: You can't talk that way to me, I'm your commanding officer!

Bryan: The hell you are, I'm not taking orders from some stupid Kung Fu reject.

Lei: I was a better cop than you were!

Bryan: Bullshit! I took out an entire gang armed with submachine guns by myself!

Lei: At least I wasn't involved with drug deals!

Bryan: That was never proven, you just set me up! And why the hell are you here?

Lei: I botched a two-year case...

Bryan: So why are all these Jacks here?

Lei: We receieved them from Russia as part of a goodwill trade.

Bryan: Weren't you lucky...

Lei: Well, Bryan, just realize that while you're here, you follow my orders.

Bryan: Sure (gives Lei the finger behind his back)

Lei: Now, it's getting late, so everyone power down.

Bryan: (looks around as all the Jacks shut off) Now what?

Lei: Go to sleep!

Bryan: There aren't any beds!

Lei: Oh, sorry, these barracks were designed for the Jack units. Good night.

(END FLASHBACK)

Bryan: ............what the ---- was that?

Lei: Flashback.

Bryan: We're locked in here, and you suddenly feel the need to start having hallucinations?

Lei: ...I guess.

Bryan: Of all the stupid sons of bitches I could've gotten stuck with...

Lei: (to himself) Yeah, things have gotten pretty crazy around here...

(FLASHBACK)

Lei: Bryan, it's time for you to meet the new recruits who will be bunking with you!

Bryan: Oh yay.

(Lei calls the recruits in)

Lei: MTV has donated $500,000 to the military in exchange for having some specific people enlisted whose daily lives could be filmed.

Bryan: What the fu-

Lei: This is Xiayou, boy-crazy teenage girl with lots of friends!

Xiayou: Hi, everyone! (Waves at the camera)

Lei: Next is Jin, loner and generally quiet kid who hates his father!

Jin: I just...I just want to be left alone for a while if that's okay...

Lei: Then we have bad boy Hwoarang!

Hwoarang: Nobody understands me.

Lei: And finally is A student Julia Chang!

Julia: Hey, everyone, I hope we can all have lots of fun working together!

Bryan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

(END FLASHBACK)

Bryan: ......that's really starting to piss me off now.

Lei: And then there was the time the base was taken over by that Nazi commandant...

Bryan: You piece of shit....

(FLASHBACK)

Colonol Klink: Hogaaaaaaan!!!!

(audience laughs)

Hogan: Is there a problem, Klink?

Colonol Klink: It seems someone entered my office the previous night and stole documents personally from Herr Hitler. You wouldn't know anything, would you?

Hogan: No, though I'm sure I'd get that answer if I asked you the same.

(audience laughs)

Colonol Klink: You know, Hogan, four prisoners escaped from Stalag 12 last week. This camp may have a perfect record, but I wouldn't mind if you were the one to break it.

(audience laughs)

Hogan: And I don't think the prisoners would be too upset if you left either, Colonol.

(audience laughs)

Colonol Klink: I know it was you, Hogan. Confess, you took those documents!

Hogan: Now what would I want with something from Hitler, I doubt anything he could think up could help us win this war. Then again, I doubt anything he could think up could help you win either.

(audience laughs)

Colonol Klink: .....take him to the gas chamber.

Hogan: (dragged off by Nazi soldiers) NOOOOO!!!!!!

(END FLASHBACK)

Bryan: That happened in an episode of Hogan's Heroes, you idiot.

Lei: Of course, it's been worse, remember the time you and I got stuck in that storage facility?

(FLASHBACK)

Lei: This is certainly one hilarious situation we've gotten into, Bryan!

Bryan: (muttering under his breath) ........I'll show you 'hilarious'......pickaxe...right in your skull.....cking riot...

Lei: Hey Bryan, remember the first time you came to the base?

Bryan: What the hell does that have to do with anything?

(FLASHBACK)

Lei: Fury?! What are-

Bryan: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? You're having a flashback about something that happened a minute ago? AND A FLASHBACK OF A FLASHBACK? What are you, high?

Lei: ..........that reminds me of my college days...

(FLASHBA-

Bryan: SHUT THE ---- UP!! I've had enough of this ----ing flashback shit! (grabs Lei and uses him as a battering ram to break down the door)

Lei: Now that's what I call using my head! Sort of like that time I had to outsmart that gang holding eight people hostage when I worked as a negotia- (is knocked out cold by Bryan)

End of Chapter 14

I hate episodes where they show old clips, it's just an excuse for the writers to be unoriginal bastards. And of course I'm an unoriginal bastard, so I had to do one.  
I haven't had a lot to do lately, so naturally I've started thinking about death, being the optimist that I am. I know a lot of people like to go with the whole graveyard and tombstones thing, but for me personally.....have you ever seen The Big Lebowski? There's that part at the end where Steve Buscemi's character dies, and his friends take his ashes and dump them in the Pacific Ocean. That's how I want to go. That scene was perfect, I mean except for the part where his ashes get blown back into his face, but they could just check the wind velocity for that sort of thing. I'd prefer being cremated to remaining a rotting corpse that gets eaten away by maggots, and I hate the idea of a shitload of money being spent on me when I'm already dead. Not to mention cemetaries are like a whole hierarchal society in themselves, you have the medium tombstones, the small tombstones, the big tombstones....and then there's the kind of tombstone that I'd probably end up with, the really, really small ones, the ones you barely notice and would probably trip over if you didn't watch where you were going. I guess some people just feel you have to measure the greatness of one's life by how big their tombstone was. Or how much money they had to spend on a tombstone. And have you ever been to a cemetary before? Those places are depressing. I'd rather have a couple buddies I knew dump off my remains anyway, as opposed to family, because you know that friends like you for who you are.....unless you're rich. Or popular. But with family, at least in some cases like mine, you know they only like you (assuming they do like you) because you're family, and they're obligated to. They probably wouldn't even want to have anything to do with you if you weren't related. Hell, chances are they don't want to have anything to do with you even though you are related. So, uh....watch Hogan's Heroes. Good show.

...and can someone explain to me why the hell I suddenly can't upload stories with asterisks?

Dashes aren't the ----ing same. You see how stupid that looks?


	15. Skip This Chapter

Lei: Bryan, could you come in here?

(Bryan enters)

Bryan: You know, I think we're starting way too many chapters like this...

Lei: ...really? I admit we may have done it once or twice, but-

Bryan: And I suppose now you're going to introduce me to someone I'm going to be working with.

Lei: ...no...of course not...

Bryan: What, then?

Lei: I called you in here to introduce you to...uh...TWO people you're going to be working with.

Bryan: ...what the hell's the difference?

Lei: There's a difference.

Bryan: How the f...never mind...just...who the hell are they?

Lei: ...they're right over there.

(Lei points to the two men standing right next to Bryan)

Lei: This is Sergeant-

Bryan: I know who he is! Mr. Snipes, I'm such a huge fa-

Raven: That's not my name. You must be confused.

Bryan: ...but you look just like that guy in Bla-

Raven: I'M NOT HIM.

Bryan: ...alright. You're not him. (to himself) I heard he was a lot nicer to his fans...

Lei: And this is Sergeant Nightmare.

Nightmare: My soul is pleased to meet you!

Bryan: You're that guy with the claw, aren't you?

Nightmare: Claw? You vile soul, this is not a claw! It is an appendage I have grown during my quest to collect more souls!

Bryan: That's great. You can never have enough souls.

Nightmare: Do you dare mock my mighty soul, and it's quest for more souls? I shall consume your soul!

Bryan: ...okay. Hey, didn't you use to have a big-ass sword?

Nightmare: I SOULED it.

(audience laughs)

Nightmare: What in the name of souly hell was that?

Bryan: That's just the laugh track.

Nightmare: How dare these pitiful souls laugh at the power of my soul, I shall reave their souls, then after their souls have been thusly reaven, these soul-less entities shall descend into the realms of hell, where they shall wander without soul, waiting to gain a soul, yet they shall for eternity be without sou-

Bryan: You know, that's starting to get REALLY old.

Lei: Bryan, do you remember Boskonovitch?

Bryan: Who?

Lei: Dr. Boskonovitch, the scientist who worked on the base?

Bryan: Doesn't sound familiar...

Lei: He was the one who was going to experiment on you...

Bryan: I think I...no...never heard of him.

Lei: It was the chapter with the dead hooker.

Bryan: Oh! That one!

Lei: ...that's right. Anyway, as I'm sure you can recall, he was able to escape, but we've recently discovered that he shall be meeting with professional boxer Steve Fox at the Union Jack Hotel today at 3:00, and I want you three to take him into custody.

Bryan: The three of us? Seems a little excessive for just an old man, doesn't it?

Lei: Don't underestimate him, Bryan, he's one of the most brilliant minds in the world.

Bryan: Didn't you tell me he used to experiment on Kangaroos in order to teach them to box?

Lei: Yes, but not just Kangaroos, but a variety of animals, he seemed to have some sort of an obsession with boxing. You should be careful, if any of those creatures is with him, they could prove dangerous.

Bryan: Do you think after being brought back from the dead that I'm going to be afraid of some rodent wearing boxing gloves? (leaves Lei's office, followed by Nightmare)

Raven: Brought back from the dead...? (follows Bryan outside)

Bryan: GODDAMNIT, YOU PUT A STAKE IN MY HEAD!

(in Bryan's car)

Raven: Shouldn't we be heading to the hotel?

Bryan: We should get something to eat first, we still have time.

Raven: We were supposed to be there at 3:00. It's 3:06.

Bryan: (ignoring him) We still have time.

Raven: We had time. 6 minutes ago.

Bryan: Shit, you take things too seriously, this world's boring enough without over-obsessive workaholics like you in it.

Raven: You better wake up. The world you live in is nothing but a sugarcoated topping. There is another world beneath it, the real world.

Bryan: ...are you sure you're not him? Because I'm pretty sure I remember you saying that line in Bl-

Raven: THAT'S NOT ME.

(Nightmare pulls into the drive-through of a Mexican restaurant. That's right. Just because he lived centuries ago doesn't mean Nightmare can't drive)

Employee: Recepción a México De Marshall¿puedo tomar su orden?

Nightmare: My soul desires 2 beef burritos, 3 fajitas, and a chicken enchilada. But no lettuce, should I find one shred of lettuce, your soul shall be-

Bryan: Just drive.

(at the Union Jack Hotel, in Steve Fox's room)

(someone knocks on the door)

Steve: Who's there?

Voice: Roar.

Steve: ...what the 'ell? (opens the door)

(Steve sees a dinosaur. Wearing boxing gloves)

Steve: BLIMEY!

Alex: (gives Steve a letter it's holding, which is hard to do when you're wearing boxing gloves)

Note: Plans have changed, they've found out I was coming here, meet me at the Mishima Lab.

(About half an hour later, outside the Union Jack Hotel)

Random fan who has no life: OH MY GOD, IT'S WESLEY SN- (is killed by Raven)

Bryan: Alright, we're a little behind, but-

Raven: It's 3:32. We were supposed to be here at 3:00.

Bryan: ...we're a LITTLE behind, but we- (notices a man who looks like Steve Fox with a fake moustache) Hey, are you Steve Fox?

Man Who Looks Like Steve Fox with a Fake Moustache: Me? Why, I'm...Dean...Ear...wicker...

Bryan: ...

Man Who Looks Like Steve Fox with a Fake Moustache: ...

Bryan: Dean Earwicker.

Man Who Looks Like Steve Fox with a Fake Moustache: ...

Bryan: ...that is the stupidest name I ever heard.

Steve Fox (That's right, it was really him all along!): You'll never take me alive! (runs off)

Bryan: Get him!

(Raven and Nightmare try to catch Steve, but are shot by a random sniper)

Bryan: Damn it, Nina, would you stop doing that!

(After Nina shoots them, Steve, being the tough-guy he is, runs up to Nightmare and Raven and punches them)

Nightmare: Oh, my soul!

Raven: You don't have to punch us, we've already been shot, you dumbass!

(Steve, being the tough-guy he is, runs off)

Nightmare: (trying to get up) My soul's going to feel that one in the morning...

Bryan: Way to go, you useless fu- (is shot) SHIT!

(In Lei's office)

Lei: So Boskonovitch knew you'd be there? Then that must mean he has a spy planted here. (is handed a cup of coffee by his boxing-glove wearing assistant) Thank you. Anyway, I understand that you found a note in Steve's room?

Bryan: Right, it said to meet the old guy at the Mishima Lab.

Lei: ...so why the hell are you here then? Get going!

Bryan: Alright, we're leaving! At least this is nearing the end of the chapter, so that means this whole ordeal is almost finished.

Announcer: TO BE CONTINUED.

Bryan: ...shit.

(End of Chapter 15)

I bet you thought that whole part in the previous chapter with Alex was pointless, didn't you. That's where you're wrong, because I've been planning for it to lead up to this all this time. That's right. A whole year. Just to build up the suspense. Because I'm that good.

...actually, I just never got around to it.

Nightmare kicks ass. But have you noticed how many times he uses the word soul? I think he's got Turret's or something. Except with the word soul.

Hah hah, Raven looks like Wesley Snipes, I'm so original. I'm sure you haven't heard that one a million times. I hate myself.

After all this wait, Tekken 5's finally out, which I assume you're going to get. Otherwise you probably wouldn't be reading this right now. Unless you just like my writing.

...Well, don't patronize me, you bastard.

In any case, if someone had told me when I first began this story that I'd still be writing this when the next Tekken came out, I'd punch them in the face. Or else I'd believe them, and say 'Shit, I'm pathetic.'

I've been considering getting a name change for a while now. I hate my name. Not so much my first as my last. But I figure if I change my last name, I might as well change my first, since I've never really felt it suits me. I'd have gotten it changed by now, in fact, except I wonder how my parents would react. Well, my mom probably wouldn't care, she couldn't wait to change her last name after they divorced, so I suppose she wouldn't care. But I'd have to think about my choice for a name carefully, since I'd have to go through life with it. Unless I changed it again. But then I'd just start confusing people. Of course I'd have to try to avoid a name that sounds too cool, because you're always judged by your name when you have one like that. Like a guy named Duke is expected to be some kind of a tough guy. So when people find out you're just someone in their 40's who doesn't exercise and reads pokemon fanfics, they're going to dislike you that much more than they would have if they found out you were someone in their 40's who doesn't exercise and reads pokemon fanfics. And Ace. Oh, god. Ace. How the hell do you measure up to a name like that? Everyone will expect you to be some top fighter-pilot or something, and when they discover you're just a stockboy...they'll be disappointed. On the other hand, a name like Melvin or Milo is easy to work with. People don't expect much of a person with that kind of name. Still, how much respect can you have for a guy named Melvin? I've come up with the perfect name though. It's simple, yet cool, and most importantly, it'd get respect. Ron Jeremy. It's a great name, isn't it? You could really go places with a name like that.


	16. Don't Read This One Either

Lei: Just one second, Bryan.

Bryan: What now, did you forget to give me a leash?

Lei: I already allowed you to take care of this yourself, and you let me down, not that I expected otherwise, so I'll be accompanying you this time.

Bryan: Damn it, I don't need a babysitter! I can handle this on my own!

Lei: No, you can't. You've already proven that. Repeatedly.

Bryan: And I suppose you tagging along will help? The only screw-up around here is you!

(FLASHBACK)

Officer: Are you the negotiator?

Lei: Yes, Detective Wulong. What's the situation?

Officer: We've got a man on the 17th floor threatening to jump.

Lei: He's not jumping if I can help it. (to sniper) Take him down.

(END FLASHBACK)

Lei: The fact that I've never had a man commit suicide on my watch isn't something to be ashamed of.

Bryan: Just stay the hell out of my way! I don't need you bitching at me every minute!

Lei: You don't even know the kind of high security the Mishima lab has, it could be dangerous.

(across the street, at the Mishima lab)

Bryan: You call this dangerous?

Lei: Did you see that car that drove by while we were crossing the street? That was reckless endangerment!

Bryan: That was an old woman driving 15 miles per hour.

Lei: ...she still should've used turn signals.

Bryan: ...

(Bryan tries to open the door)

Bryan: Shit! It's locked!

Nightmare: Maybe another soul's on the other side.

Bryan: So you're just gonna knock and ask if we can come inside?

Nightmare: Of course I shall not knock, you foul soul!

(Nightmare rings the doorbell)

(a hole in the door opens)

Gatekeeper: And who might you be?

Lei: We're looking for Boskonovitch.

Gatekeeper: The doctor is not here right now, go away! (goes back into hole)

Lei: ... (knocks on the door)

Gatekeeper: (comes out of the hole) You again? Go away, he's not here!

Lei: Please, it's very important that we see him.

Gatekeeper: He isn't here, now go away! (goes back into hole)

Lei: Then...we came all this way for nothing...

Bryan: Yeah...it looks that way...

Lei: Then it looks like we'll have to just let him get away again...

Bryan: I don't really care anyway...

Lei: And I'll never get the promotion I need to get out of this place...

Bryan: Hey, at least we'll get to keep working together, right?

(Lei thinks about it, then starts to cry)

Gatekeeper: Oh please, don't cry... (sobbing) I lied, he really is here... (opens the door)

(inside)

Bryan: So where the hell are they?

Raven: Maybe we should split up.

Lei: Good idea. Bryan, you come with me.

Bryan: No way! I want to go with Wesl-

Raven: Don't even say it.

(in a dark corridor)

Raven: Where do all these doors lead? The guy could be behind any of them...

Nightmare: Fear not, ignorant soul, for the power of the Soul Calibur has given my soul heightened senses far greater than that of any inferior human soul!

(Nightmare stands in front of a door)

Nightmare: ...

Raven: ...is he in there?

(Nightmare stares hard at the door handle)

Nightmare: ...

Raven: Just open the damn door.

Nightmare: ... (opens the door)

(Jeff Slater struts out)

Jeff Slater: Snipes? It is you! I used you watch your movies all the time!

Raven: I'm not-

Jeff Slater: I'm Jeff Slater. The current Vale Tudo champion. (tries to shake Raven's hand)

Raven: ...

Jeff Slater: Hey, has Blade forgotten how to fight? Come on, Snipes, bring it on. It'll be the biggest unofficial bout of the century, the badass reigning champ versus the guy from those movies with vampires and stuff.

Raven: Just leave me alone.

(Raven and Nightmare begin to walk away)

Jeff Slater: Hey, it's not over yet, Snipes, we haven't finished this just yet!

(Jeff Slater catches up with Raven)

Jeff Slater: What was that, we barely even got started and you're running away, huh?

Raven: I don't even know you, don't waste my time.

Jeff Slater: What's the matter? 'fraid to see 'Legendary Actor K.O.ed' in the headlines?

Raven: ...legendary actor? I'll admit he was good in Demolition Man, but I wouldn't exactly call him a legend.

Nightmare: Just ignore this foolish soul, we must depart so I can continue my quest for more souls!

Jeff Slater: Hey! I'm not through with you guys yet! Just you wait! I'm Jeff Slater! Current Vale Tudo champion! You can't...

(Raven and Nightmare have already left)

Jeff Slater: ...I...I just talk big because I get so LONELY...

(meanwhile)

Bryan: Hey, I think I hear something...

(Bryan opens a door, revealing Craig Marduk sitting in a sauna)

Craig: ...

Bryan: ...

Craig: You ever go in the shower?

(Bryan slowly closes the door)

Bryan: ...he's not in here.

Lei: Wait...I hear voices...

(Lei and Bryan follow the noise to a room. The room where they heard the voices)

Lei: It's Boskonovitch!

(Lei points at Boskonovitch)

Boskonovitch: They've found me!

Lei: Freeze!

(Lei pulls out gun)

Lei: You've evaded us long enough, old man, now it's time to come back to base!

Boskonovitch: You'll never take me back! Get them, my minions!

(a dozen Tekken Force soldiers wearing boxing gloves are dispersed)

(Bryan punches a soldier)

(WHAM!)

(Lei kicks a soldier)

(PAFF!)

(Bryan pulls out a machette)

(KER-SPLOOOIE!)

(Lei fires his gun)

(BANG! BANG!)

(in a matter of moments, the Tekken Force soldiers are defeated)

Bryan: (to himself) Someone really needs to do something about the dumbass in charge of sound...

Lei: I'm afraid your cronies aren't going to be enough, old man, I'd suggest you give yourself up quietly.

Boskonovitch: You meddling duo, you may have stopped my men, but you've far from foiled my plans!

Raven: Make that a quartet. Or quarto. Or something. Or whatever word means duo with four people in it.

(Raven and Nightmare enter)

Boskonovitch: You're one of them, aren't you?

Raven: No, I'm something else.

Bryan: Now that's definitely from Bl-

Raven: I was never in those damn movies!

Boskonovitch: Meh heh. Heh heh heh. Two, four, a thousand, it doesn't matter. Allow me, gentlemen, to introduce to you yet another brilliant creation of mine!

(Gon, who was supposed to have died a few chapters back but didn't due to lack of plot continuity, steps out from the shadows)

Boskonovitch: Yes, this is one of my greatest specimens, Gon, reborn from the DNA of...some dinosaur, I'm not really sure. But the incredible thing about this creature is it's unique ability to box! (points at the boxing gloves Gon's wearing)

(Boskonovitch orders Gon to attack the intruders)

(Gon approaches)

(Lei points at it and shouts something)

(Bryan looks at Lei strangely)

(Gon raises it's boxing gloves aggressively)

(Lei get into a defensive stance)

(Bryan is about to say something, but decides against it)

(Gon raises it's tail warningly)

(Boskonovitch jumps up and down excitedly)

Bryan: ...what the hell are you assholes doing?

(Bryan kills Gon)

Bryan: There, was that so hard?

Yoshimitsu: (sees Bryan) ...!

(Yoshimitsu is angry at Bryan for killing his Manji comrades after Boskonovitch repaired him)

Yoshimitsu: (raises sword menacingly)

Bryan: What the hell is this guy's problem?

Lei: I think he's angry at you for killing his Manji comrades after Bos-

Bryan: I read it, it just doesn't make any sense, that never even happened!

Lei: He must have the wrong person or something, I mean Boskonovitch never even repaired you...

(FLASHBACK)

Bryan: Ahhh, man, what the hell was... (sees that he's strapped down to a table) What the hell's going on?

Boskonovitch: Ahhh, you're finally awake. Do you know who-

Bryan: DAMN IT, LEI! I told you a couple chapters ago I didn't want any more flashbacks!

Lei: But it proves your innoc-

Bryan: I said, 'no more flashbacks'. Bitch.

(Raven stands in Yoshimitsu's way)

(Yoshimitsu waves sword around erratically in a threatening manner)

Raven: You're not immortal. I must have heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.

Bryan: Alright, I'm sure I heard that in Blade! I mean you don't even have a sword!

Raven: (realizes he doesn't have a sword)

(Steve enters)

Steve: What the hell's going on here?

Boskonovitch: My son, you must flee! They've come for me!

Steve: No, I can't let them take you, Father! I'll show them I'm not a world-champion boxer for nothing! (raises fists menacingly)

Bryan: ...alright, let's do this.

(Steve attacks with a quick jab)

(Bryan blocks, countering with a blow to the face)

Steve: Blimey! (falls to the ground)

Bryan: What the hell was that?

Steve: That's just the way I fight, I've been trained to go down after the first blow.

Bryan: ...

Lei: Step aside, Fox, this doesn't concern you.

(Lei aims gun at Boskonovitch)

Lei: Now just come with us without any further resistance, doctor.

(Lei's gun is shot out of his hand)

Lei: What? Who's there?

Nina: I can't let you do that!

Lei: Ms. Williams, I must ask you to not involve yourself in this affair!

Nina: I won't let you take my son's father from him!

Boskonovitch: ...

Bryan: Look, lady, I've been looking for this guy all day, so I don't need you wasting my time. If you need something old and wrinkled, I'm sure there's a nursing home nearby you might be interested in.

Nina: I don't care about him, you idiot, now get the hell out of my way before I make you a unic!

Bryan: Huh...now how did my old man handle women...?

(FLASHBACK)

Bryan: Hey old man, how do I handle women?

Bryan's Father: You see, boy, women are like, uh...Baseball season. You take it for granted when it's finally available, but when it's gone, you realize how lucky you really were, so it's something you have to learn to appreciate. That's why when you've, uh...you know, got tickets to the big game, so to speak, you should make use of them instead of scalping them. So, uh, it's like when one game's over, and seats for the next one are already selling out, you...

Bryan: ...hire a prostitute?

Bryan's Father: ...

(Bryan's Father looks at his son)

Bryan's Father: ...not what I was going for, but yeah, that's a good idea.

(END FLASHBACK)

Bryan: ...so how's 20 dollars sound?

Nina: ...

(one Bad Habit later)

Bryan: (crumpled up on the ground) Oh, my groin!

Lei: ...Ms. Williams, I can understand your feelings on this matter, but father of your son or not, this man is a criminal.

Boskonovitch: ...

Nina: I don't care-

Boskonovitch: NO.

Nina: What?

Boskonovitch: You are not this boy's mother.

Nina: That's impossible! I remember everything!

(FLASHBACK)

Boskonovitch: Don't stop, oh god, don't stop...

Nina: You like that, don't you...

Boskonovitch: Ohhhh...that feels nice...

Nina: ...Oh yes, right there...

Boskonovitch: Now put these on...

Nina: ...boxing gloves?

(END FLASHBACK)

Everyone else: ...

Boskonovitch: ...that never happened, I'm afraid.

Nina: Never happened?

Boskonovitch: The memories you recall have been planted.

Nina: So we never even...?

Boskonovitch: No.

Nina: ...OH, THANK GOD!

Boskonovitch: ...you don't have to get carried away...

Steve: Pop...what are you saying?

Boskonovitch: I'm sorry for the deception, my boy. But the truth is...Nina is not your mother...

Steve: She's not? But then...who?

Boskonovitch: I believe you've already met her...

(Alex steps foward)

Boskonovitch: Steve, this is your mother...Alexandra.

Steve: Mu...mum?

Alexandra: Roar.

Boskonovitch: It was many years ago. When I first realized the deep feelings I had developed for this beautiful angel, I was terrified of what others would think. So I hid the truth from everyone, and when I had a son, lied about the mother, claiming it was a test subject at the Mishima Laboratory. But I'm not ashamed anymore. I love you, Alexandra, and I want the world to know.

Alexandra: Roar.

(Boskonovitch and Alexandra dramatically run towards each other in slow motion)

Boskonovitch: Alexandra!

Alexandra: Roar.

Boskonovitch: Alexandraaaa!

Alexandra: ROAR.

(Boskonovitch and Alexandra run into each other's arms)

Boskonovitch: Alexandra...

Alexandra: Roar...

(Boskonovitch and Alexandra kiss)

Everyone: Ahhhhhh...

Nightmare: (sniff) This touches even my hardened soul...

Lei: Well, I guess we'll just leave these kids in love alone. Come on, everybody.

(on the way back)

Lei: You know, when you see something like that, it makes you realize what the important things in life are. It's not getting off duty, and it's not getting some silly promotion. You just can't go through life without appreciating the things you have.

Bryan: Yeah, you said it. I mean, I hate being around you and all, but if I can hang around the guy from Blad-

Raven: That's it, I've had enough of this Wesley Snipes shit! (changes into his second costume)

Random gamer who has no life: OH MY GOD, IT'S SHINOB- (is killed by Raven)

Nightmare: Oh Raven, you delightfully comical soul!

(everyone laughs)

(End of Chapter 16)

That wasn't originally how it was going to end, but I decided I just couldn't do that to Nina. I mean...getting it on with Boskonovitch...that's terrifying to think about. I actually feel guilty just about the flashback scene, even if it didn't happen.

I don't really remember how the Wizard of Oz went at that part with the gate, so it might be a little off. Not that I care.

I'm not afraid to say it. We need more Jeff Slater fics. And I'll be the one to start the trend if I have to. So look out for my next fic, it's going to be great, featuring the immensely popular Jeff Slater! It'll also have a cast of some of your favorite characters, like the reporter who's always interviewing Christie, that general chasing Hwoarang, that kid who's always watching Bruce train, Lee's secretary, that guy who hates Law's cooking, one of the pilots whose helicopters was destroyed by True Ogre, and Prototype Jack! Yeah, I know. I said some of your favorite characters, not all. Prototype Jack had a contract.

I can't believe you people. The funniest you ever find me is when I'm being serious. I told you my dreams, and you just laughed in my face. So I want to have my ashes in a coffee can. Are your funeral plans so great? What, you want to get buried in a graveyard? So you can be brought back from the dead? Fine. Just give my regards to Bruce Campbell.

Oh by the way, I think I forgot to mention this, but I started a Jeff Slater fanlisting! Make sure to email me if you want to join!

Craig Marduk has to be one of the most original 'big guys' in a fighting game, I mean just look closely. He has leg hair. A big, muscular, sweaty man. With hair on his body. That's something I've never seen before. In a fighting game, at least. Zangief has a little, but it kind of comes in patches. I don't know what exactly the trend is in fighting games with big guys who like to shave their legs, but I guess someone at Namco decided to be original when designing Craig. So I salute you, Mr. Marduk, for showing us all that a man can still be masculine without waxing.

Seriously, if Jeff Slater's not a playable character in Tekken 6, I'm writing a strongly worded letter to Namco.

I don't think anyone's ever written Gon fanfiction before. Considering this is what one would be like, with the comic's complete absence of words...it's really no suprise.

Three words funnier than anything I've ever written: Marvel Vs. EA.


	17. The RIAA Is Watching You Sleep

(Bryan is in Lei's office)

Lei: Bryan, I wanted to talk to you about the activities you've been engaging in on my computer.

Bryan: Hey, I've been responsible!

Lei: I told you that you could go on for one hour a day after you did your homework, but only for educational activities.

Bryan: I have!

Lei: What was your subscription to the barelylegalfrenchwhoreswithsubstanceabuseproblems website for?

Bryan: ...research.

Lei: And you used my credit card to subscribe?

Bryan: That was yours? I must have gotten it mixed up with mine after I stole...I mean accidentally stole...I mean found your wallet.

(Bryan pulls out Lei's wallet and hands it to him)

Bryan: Hey. I found you wallet.

Lei: ...and why have you been sending emails to the secretary of national defense, telling him you're going to kill him?

Bryan: Because I'm going to kill him.

Lei: ...Bryan, death threats and subscriptions to questionable fetish-oriented porn sites are something I suppose I could overlook, but you've also been downloading music on my computer.

Bryan: So? I think I have good taste.

Lei: (looks over music files) I'm not too familiar with...Black Death, or Death of Society, or Bloody Death Mask, or Pus Filled Death, or...hey, you like Phil Collins?

Bryan: I didn't know that was Phil Collins! I thought it said Phil...Cholera...

Lei: There's nothing to be ashamed of in liking Phil Collins. I personally find his music to be very relaxing, in fact it's nice to see we share some similar tastes.

Bryan: Son of a BITCH...

Lei: Bryan, the reason I brought this up wasn't because of your taste in overly violent industrial grunge music. And Phil Collins.

Bryan: ...

Lei: If you like this kind of music, you should buy it, legally.

Bryan: Why? I break laws all the time.

Lei: This is different. Weapon smuggling, drug smuggling, human smuggling...

Bryan: It's called 'slave trading'.

Lei: ...slave trading. Those are all harmless little misdemeanors, but downloading music is a serious offense. You could be putting yourself and everyone around you at risk.

Bryan: What, the big bad government's gonna come get me? I think with terrorism being such a big issue right now, they have more to worry about than record companies losing a few dollars from...

(a platoon of Tekken Force soldiers burst in through the windows)

Bryan: What the hell is going on?

(a dramatic and kickass fight ensues, I mean it is awesome, it's like the coolest fight ever in Tekken history!)

Bryan: I...can't go on...

(Bryan collapses)

Tekken Force Soldier 2: Damn, that was a dramatic and kickass fight. Those two just wouldn't give up.

Tekken Force Soldier 1: Yeah, that was like the coolest fight ever in Tekken history.

Tekken Force Soldier 2: ...what the hell is Tekken history?

Tekken Force Soldier 1: I don't know, it's just a saying.

Tekken Force Soldier 2: No it's not. No one's ever said that before.

Tekken Force Soldier 1: ...we should probably tie them up.

(in a place that wasn't the previous place)

Bryan: Wh...where am I...?

Mysterious figure dressed in Gestapo uniform : Ahhh...you're finally awake...

Bryan: Who the hell are you?

Dragunov: My name? That is a secret none shall ever know. Ever. No one will ever know what my name is.

Bryan: Where the hell is this place?

Dragunov: Don't worry, you're safe...in Guantanamo Bay.

Bryan: The terrorist prison where you don't torture people?

Dragunov: Yes, we simply perform enhanced interrogation techniques.

Bryan: Well that sounds okay.

Dragunov: Do you have any idea why you're here?

Bryan: I guess it might be because I killed my mother. And my father. And my brother. And my other brother. And my first wife. And my 3rd wife. Oh wait, my 2nd wife too. But not my 4th wife. But only because she committed suicide due to the stress from the verbal abusement I gave her. I probably would've killed her eventual-

Dragunov: GOOD GOD! What the hell, man! You are messed up! You are seriously messed up!

Bryan: Yeah, I know. So why am I here?

Dragunov: For the most sinful of acts imaginable, worse than all your other past misdeeds combined, I'm afraid.

Bryan: You don't mean...

Dragunov: Yes. Downloading music is a very serious crime, Mr. Fury.

Bryan: But who does it harm, really?

Dragunov: ...who does it harm?

(Dragunov begins brutally hitting Bryan across the face)

Dragunov: YOU DARE ASK WHO IT HARMS? AS IF THERE ARE NO VICTIMS FROM YOUR CRIMES?

(Dragunov tries to restrain himself)

Dragunov: The corporate executives. The managers. The record producers. All, forced to work with common filth such as yourself, those desiring to be made kings by those who are but their gods. These are the ones who you harm. Because you were so desperate to save a dollar, you chose to violate the most sacred of laws.

(Bryan spits some blood at Dragunov's face)

Bryan: Do you really think people would buy that shit if they couldn't download it for free anyway? Do you actually believe that if you took away the internet, people would start running to the stores to buy the latest manufactured pop singer's album?

(Dragunov slowly wipes the blood off his face, before delivering another vicious blow to Bryan)

Dragunov: I am a reasonable man. There's no need for you to be taken to court over this. According to our records, you have downloaded only 12 songs.

Bryan: Most of them shit, really. I already deleted a lot of them.

Dragunov: (slaps Bryan across the face) Regardless, you have downloaded 12 songs. Going by the rate of their store price, and the number of people you may have later ended up sharing it with for free, as well as interest for the time spent without first buying the albums, factoring in the special coordination tax plus...(mumble mumble)...you would only need to pay a small penalty of 387,800 dollars to make this little discrepancy go away.

Bryan: Eat shit and die! YOU EAT SHIT AND DIE!

Dragunov: ...I see you wish to make this harder for yourself than necessary. Very well. This shall prove to be an especially long session...

(in another room)

Lei: Wh...who am I? I mean, where am I?

Jack-666 in Gestapo uniform: You are in Room 101. But it is not the identity of your current whereabouts that are of concern. It is why you are in this location that is imperative.

Lei: What?

Jack-666: Exactly.

Lei: Huh?

Jack-666: Now you have asked too many. And the answer is lost.

Lei: ...why have you brought me here?

Jack-666: You have been incarcerated for your crimes against humanity. Humanity that is limited to life in the recording industry.

Lei: What? But I had no idea that Bryan was downloading music on my computer! When I found out about it, I immediately deleted all the files and explained to him that what he did was wrong!

Jack-666: Yes, and you handled the situation very well. That matter would have easily been settled out of court for a mere few thousand dollars for him using your computer to commit the crimes. But that is not the main reason you are here.

Lei: What? I did something wrong?

Jack-666: Yes. You did something very wrong.

Lei: But I've never downloaded music before! I always buy the albums with songs I like!

Jack-666: That much is true. However, you have burned several cds in the past.

Lei: I own those cds! And I still have them! I just burned them since I only listen to music on my computer, and I didn't want to constantly change cds!

Jack-666: That is not a viable excuse. If you wished to listen to music on various formats, such as your cell phone or computer, there are plenty of other formats from which you can obtain those songs. Go to our website to find a wide variety of songs to purchase, all at reasonable and affordable prices!

Lei: Wait...your site? Just who are you?

Jack-666: We are the one. We are the only. We are the Recording Industry Aryans of the Apocalypse. AND YOU WILL BOW BEFORE US.

Lei: Dear God!

(in the other other room)

Bryan: You really expect me to believe you're doing this shit for the greater good? It seems more like you're just out to help yourselves.

Dragunov: Ignorance! We ARE the greater good! They are our songs! We own them!

Bryan: You own nothing! It doesn't matter how much legal shit you have backing you, it's still someone else's work!

Dragunov: SILENCE! (punches Bryan in the face again)

Bryan: (spits out a tooth) Your pathetic dependance on brute force to keep people in line isn't working, this sort of fascist persecution has only increased the number of people downloading music! Face it, you've failed!

Dragunov: ...perhaps we underestimated the fear we were able to instill in you common thugs. But we will stop you, I assure you of that. Even if we must crucify every single one of you. But enough talk. It is time to begin the reprogramming.

(in the first other room)

Lei: Wait...how did you know I burned my cds?

Jack-666: OUR cds. They are not yours. We have merely rented copies to you. And we know many things. We can obtain any information we desire, through any means necessary.

Lei: What you're doing isn't legal! It's against the law!

Jack-666: We MAKE the law.

Lei: But you're just a corporate trust group! You don't have that kind of power!

Jack-666: Your employers in Washington...our lackeys...would disagree.

Lei: Lackeys?

Jack-666: Yes. You would be surprised by how little they sell their vote for these days.

Lei: So what are you bastards going to do? Torture me?

Jack-666: We do not torture. We perform enhanced interrogation techniques.

(Jack-666 pulls out a pair of jumper cables)

Jack-666: This shall help with the enhanced interrogation.

Lei: Enhanced interrogation?

Jack-666: It is like regular interrogation. But with jumper cables.

Lei: This doesn't sound like something that would've been approved by the Geneva Convention...

Jack-666: Perhaps not. But it is still better than our top-secret black prisons. You don't even want to know what goes on there.

Lei: Is that where your Pussycat Dolls albums are recorded?

(Lei and Jack-666 both laugh)

Jack-666: Yes, but in all seriousness, we do not torture.

(in the second other room)

Dragunov: The thing that you do not truly understand is that you cannot resist the organization. We are your god. We are your only protection.

Bryan: My...protection?

Dragunov: Yes, without the RIAA, there would be chaos, nothing but artists making music here and there, no organization in their scheduling, no cohesive date for their next album release, no radio stations playing the same ten songs over and over again...

Bryan: I hate that.

Dragunov: But you will grow to love it!

Bryan: I will?

Dragunov: YES! You love the RIAA!

Bryan: I...love the RIAA...

Dragunov: Without the RIAA, your miserable life is meaningless!

Bryan: My life would have no meaning...

Dragunov: The RIAA is always watching you, always watching over you...

Bryan: Always...

Dragunov: The RIAA is your GOD.

Bryan: The RIAA...is...NO! I hate the RIAA!

Dragunov: Do not fight it! You cannot resist!

Bryan: I don't care what you do to me, even if you have been putting me through sleep deprivation for 3 hours straight!

Dragunov: You think you are strong enough to withstand the RIAA's power?

Bryan: We all are! Because each and every one of us possess far greater will than the RIAA or it's masters can control!

Dragunov: ...our masters? Do you know who our master is? From where the RIAA's true power comes?

(Dragunov hands Bryan a round amulet)

Dragunov: OPEN IT.

(Bryan opens the amulet, only to find his mirrored reflection staring back at him)

Bryan: ...no...no, this can't be...IT CAN'T BE!

Dragunov: But it is! How it truly is! You, the taxpayers! You are the ones who have allowed us to prosper! You are the ones who truly command us!

Bryan: No! We'd never condone this sort of tyranny!

Dragunov: You ignorant fool! How little you know of these circumstances! The people will allow anything, as long as they can turn their backs on it!

Bryan: You're wrong! We will fight it! We'll never allow you to control our minds!

Dragunov: Is that what you think? That the people will actually wake out of their slumber and stand up to us? Hah! You are dreaming! Just like the rest of the cattle!

(Boskonovitch enters the room)

Boskonovitch: Shall we begin the procedure?

Dragunov: Yes, this one is too far gone. He must be educated of the 'proper truth'...why are you bringing in that Kangaroo?

Boskonovitch: (referring to the animal on the gurney he's pushing) This is Roger, when we switch brains with the subject, his heightened intelligence will allow Roger to rise to the top of the Marsupial Boxing League.

Dragunov: Marsupial Boxing Lea...that doesn't even exist!

Boskonovitch: Not yet, but once Roger here has acquired the knowledge of human speach, he shall surely convince the Boxing League Officials that his kind are just as deserving of their own league as humans!

Dragunov: Get that thing out of here! We're doing a simple lobotomy procedure!

Boskonovitch: ... (leaves the room with the gurney) goddamn dirty motherf- (door slams shut)

(later)

Lei: We is'd wrong, Ryan.

Bryan: Yes. Was, Lei.

Lei: Turn out, RIAA protects interests of all artist, ensuring none hear their music, so people will buy it.

Bryan: Yes, I buy music I not listen to.

Lei: Is goods for us too. We gets good music, at affordable price ranges too. Let us buy various versions of same song over again for different format.

Bryan: If I buy a song for mp3 player, I should buy same song again for Ipod too.

Lei: Is logic and fair.

Bryan: I know today that people who download music major bad. Die should all, no escape.

Lei: Yes. Download music, must be tracked down. Tracked down and educated.

Bryan: Hail RIAA. Glorious RIAA.

Lei: I LOVE RIAA.

Bryan: The RIAA is the colossus that bestrode the world.

Lei: The RIAA is the rock against which the hordes of downloaders dashed themselves in vain.

Bryan: All hail the glorious RIAA.

Lei: All hail the indominatable RIAA.

THE RIAA IS WATCHING YOU SLEEP

(End of Chapter 17)

I guess the story's not dead after all. The last update was December of 2005. It's taken exactly two years to update this story. I had been considering discontinuing it, since I already have another ongoing Tekken series, which I felt made this one unnecessary. But all the reviews that were being left made me change my mind. Okay, so there wasn't actually a lot of reviews. There's only been about four reviews left for it in the two years since I stopped. :(

I noticed that this story has been listed in a yaoi C2 community. Which is odd. Because I'm neither gay, nor is this story. At least I'm sure of the first. I'm pretty certain that the story isn't gay. I always thought it seemed pretty straight, then again, I'm no expert on spotting gays. I just hope no yaoi fans read it expecting to find plenty of homoerotic situations, or their disappointment in finding none may turn into fury. Fury towards me. And I love me. As do other people, to a lesser extent. I assume.


End file.
